


I Can't Think Straight

by arituzz



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Simon is confused af, ace!Agatha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-21 20:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7402912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arituzz/pseuds/arituzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon is straight. And he’s absolutely not attracted to his roommate. Well maybe he is. A little. Maybe a little too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can't Think Straight

**Author's Note:**

> This has nothing to do with neither the film nor the book with the same title (besides the fact that it’s also gay af)
> 
> (Eight year AU)

 

 

**SIMON**

 

I like girls. I like Agatha. Yes, Agatha. I need to focus on that thought.

“Snow,”

But it’s so fucking hard to focus when your roommate has the perfect lips. And the perfect torso. And the perfect arse…

_ No. _

No, no, no, no, no.

I don’t like male butts. And I definitely don’t like Baz’s round and firm arse. And I positively don’t want to squeeze it right now.

“ _ Snow _ .”

I look up at Baz’s face. “What?”

“You’re staring,” he says, looking back at me.

“Not at all!”

“Are you uncomfortable with me changing in the room?” he asks. “I can change in the bath-”

“ _ No! _ ” He cocks an eyebrow at me. “I mean… this… This is your room, too.”

“Okay,” he says. He looks amused. The bloody bastard. I bet he’s doing all of this on purpose.

Like now. He’s wetting his upper lip with his tongue. I wonder what it would be like to lick them with my own tongue. To do it while grabbing his perfectly smooth hair with my fist. Yes.  _ No _ .

No.

Fuck.

“I need to use the bathroom.”

\---

“Agatha! Wait,” I shout after her in the Great Lawn, after classes. I haven’t seen her since we broke up.

“What do you want Simon?”

“Do you still love me?” I ask her, taking her hand into mine. It’s so soft. I wonder if holding Baz’s hand would be like this. Probably not. It would probably be rougher but also sturdier. It would be like walking on the edge of a cliff. I would intertwine my fingers with his to make sure I didn’t fall down. I feel my heart beating faster at the thought.

“Of course I do. It’s just...” Agatha says, with her beautiful pale pink lips. Baz’s lips are thinner. I could capture both between mine.

I close the distance and kiss her. She lets me do it.

We are alone. Everyone must be already at dinner.

I think of kissing Baz’s mouth. Would he taste like this? I’d move my lips and clash them against his, hard. I’d touch that perfect torso with my hands and then I’d let one fall lower and  _ lower _ .

“Simon!” Agatha protests. I remove my hand. “I don’t want to do that. I love you but I don’t think I can go all the way.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think I’m asexual,” she answers. She looks at me unsure. “Is that a problem for you?”

“Yes. I mean no! I mean… maybe. I don’t know, Agatha.” I don’t know why I touched her like that. “I just… I think… I think I just want to make sure I’m not gay.”

“To make sure?” Agatha looks confused and mad at the same time. “And you’re using me?”

I reach for her lips again.

“No, Simon. This is not okay.” She pushes me aside. “I’m not a tool that you can use whenever you please.” 

“I wasn’t using you! I like you. I like this. I was…” What was I trying to prove, again? Ah yes. “I was just trying to remind myself that I like  _ you _ and not  _ other people _ .”

“Same difference.”

“I’m sorry,” I say. And I mean it. I didn’t want to hurt her.

“Yeah,” she says, already leaving.

\---

“You did what?” Hollstein looks at me, scandalised, after I explain her what I did to Agatha.

Hollstein is our classmate. She likes both boys and girls, so I thought she could give me some advice on the matter.

“I did it to remind my brain that I’m not gay,” I tell her.

“Merlin, that’s so stupid,” she says, placing the palm of her hand on her face. “It’s like trying to prove yourself you don’t like chocolate by eating only cheese.”

“But I like both chocolate and cheese,” I argue.

“That’s my point.”

“Oh.”  _ Oh.  _ “You mean, that I’m bi? You think I’m bisexual like you?”

“I don’t know, Simon. Maybe. You could also be pansexual or demisexual or a lot of other things,” Hollstein explains.

“How do I know?” I ask her.

“You’ll know it in the right time.” I may look so uncertain to her, that she adds “And even if you never figure it out, it’s okay. Labels don’t define us people.”

That definitely makes me feel better. “Thank you, Hollstein.”

“Anytime, Simon.” She smiles at me.

\---

I go back to our room. I skipped dinner but I don’t care. There’re other things I want to eat. And all of them are Baz.

He looks at me as I step in.

“What’s wrong with you, Snow? You weren’t there at dinner,” he says as I step closer. “It’s not like you to skip a meal. Are you sick?”

I don’t answer him. I step a little closer.

“Aren’t you hungry?” he asks.

“Very,” I reply, stepping even closer. “I was saving my appetite for dessert.”

I stare at his lips. Merlin, I want to touch them. So I do. I trace them with my finger and he parts them.

I close the distance between our faces and I brush the tip of his nose with mine. I can feel his breath right now. Almost as unsteady as my heart pounding against my chest. Almost as strident.

I move my hand to his hair. Perfectly slicked back. I grab some of it with my fist. He closes his eyes and moans. So I do the same with my other hand.

I pull his head slightly down, enough for my lips to meet his. I begin to move them against his. And he moves his back. Then, the movement becomes more aggressive, more urgent. Desperate. And our tongues find their way into each other’s mouth.

I’m kissing Baz.

I’m kissing my enemy. But he no longer feels like my enemy. He feels like everything I’ve ever wanted.

\---

“Simon!” Agatha grabs my wrist at lunch, the next day. “I just want you to know that I’m not mad, anymore. Hollstein explained everything to me.”

She’s also there. They’re actually holding hands. Wait.

“Are you two together?” I ask, bewildered.

They giggle. “Are you in love with a bloke?” Agatha asks.

I look at Baz, who’s coming at my direction right now. I take his hand. And intertwine my fingers with his. Then, with my thumb I start tracing letters on his palm. The first one is an  _ I _

Agatha gapes at us. 

“I’m not in love,” I say.

_ L _

“Maybe I’m attracted to someone,” I continue. 

_ O _

“With irritatingly perfect hair,”

_ V _

“And perfect lips,”

_ E  _

“A person perfect in every way,”

_ Y _

“You’d think I love him,” I say.

_ O _

“But the truth is I hate him.”

_U_

I finish tracing letters on Baz’s palm.

“Yeah. Me too,” Baz says. “I love you, too.”

 

-FIN-


End file.
